I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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