toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
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