I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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