Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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