Porn is love you can see.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Randomize
