My first STD was from a foam party
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
