i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
