Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
