I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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