When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
