im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
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