Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
