why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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