my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
