Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
