Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
