I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
