I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
