He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I think i got beer on your cat.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
