I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
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