I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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