I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
