what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
