you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
