I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Randomize
