Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
