i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Randomize