also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
