You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
You're like the curious george of whores
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
