i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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