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You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize
