two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Redeem this text for a blowjob
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
