What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
