I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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