just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Randomize
