Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
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