Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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