it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
