Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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