he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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