He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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