what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize