i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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