chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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