This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
