I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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