Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
