I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
