Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Never let your siblings swipe right.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
