i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize