yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
