They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
It's never too late to be topless.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
