Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
