after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize