I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
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